Pam Spreads The Sunshine
by Red Witch
Summary: Pam visits Archer in the hospital along with Cheryl and Krieger, much to Mallory's chagrin.


** Pam did something with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This was just something from my tiny little deranged brain. **

**Pam Spreads The Sunshine **

"There you go," Gladys the nurse fluffed up Archer's pillow. "Nice and comfy."

"My son is in a coma," Mallory sighed as she looked at a magazine. "Odds are he's **too** **comfortable**. Have you tried sticking sharp tacks into him? That might wake him up!"

Gladys waved. "Oh, I know that's just because you're feeling blue that nobody's visited you in a few days. Maybe one of his friends will show up?"

"You don't know my son," Mallory sighed as she put down the magazine. "Unfortunately, Sterling has never been good at making friends. Making enemies, yes. **That **he can do with exceptional skill."

"Yeah," Pam walked in. "Archer kind of has the personality of a drunken pit bull that likes to hump sofas at a furniture store."

"What are **you** doing here?" Mallory snapped.

"I thought I'd visit," Pam said cheerfully. "Krieger and Cheryl are here too."

"You brought **those two idiots**?" Mallory snapped. "Great! Just what I need! A day with Gruesome and Glue-some!"

"They'll be here in a minute," Pam waved as she sat down. "They just wanted to look in the gift shop."

"The real gift would them to not show up," Mallory groaned. "I don't suppose Lana decided to grace us with her presence?"

"County Day has the day off of school," Pam explained. "Some kind of teacher's workshop thing. Lana is taking AJ to the doctor for a checkup and then they're going to do something."

"_Again?"_ Mallory shouted. "Didn't they have a couple days off **yesterday?"**

"Yeah, it's called the weekend," Pam remarked.

Mallory grumbled. "With what I'm paying in tuition they should keep her there until she graduates high school! I've always said the educational system in this country is a rip off!"

"I'll leave you two alone so you can have a nice visit," Gladys said.

"If you knew anything about these people you would know it **won't be**!" Mallory called out as Gladys left. "So where are the other idiots?"

"Cyril's busy at the office."

"Oh really?" Mallory said in a bitterly sweet voice. "Did he get a new blow up doll?"

"No! He's working with a client today!" Pam said.

"Is she charging by the hour?"

"It's the head of the group that wants California to split up and become two or three new states," Pam explained. "They're going over some legal technicalities that Cyril is helping them with."

"Well there's a lost cause," Mallory grumbled.

"Cyril's charging them a hundred bucks an hour," Pam told him. "He thinks if he can get them to stay to at least noon he'd be able to pay the water bill this month."

"I just figured out why you lot aren't there," Mallory realized.

"Yeah he said he wanted us out for the whole day," Pam nodded. "He's the one who suggested we visit you and Archer!"

"Remind me to **thank him**," Mallory grumbled. "With a tire iron."

"He said he'd pay us to not come in until tomorrow!"

"How much will it take to make you leave **right now?"** Mallory asked. "Dare I ask where Ms. Gillette is?"

"He's working too."

"Really?" Mallory asked. "By the train tracks or the docks?"

"On delivering some packages for clients," Pam told him.

"I stand by my question."

"Legal packages!" Pam said. "Plus, he's on flyer duty. And with those bionic legs he's gonna be running all over town."

"In other words, a typical Saturday night for him," Mallory sniffed.

Pam looked at her. "**You're **one to talk. You've been around the block more times than the Good Humor Man!"

"Not since we came to California!" Mallory snapped. "It's not just the desert that's dry as a bone. And as usual Sterling is no help."

"Talking to Archer might help," Pam said. "Maybe it will stir something in his brain? Hey Archer! How's it going?"

"Oh, for the love of Jack Daniels," Mallory groaned as she took a drink.

"It's Pam! Your best buddy!"

"I always thought his best buddy was a bottle of Old Bunkum," Mallory groaned. "Shows what I know."

"Let's see," Pam remarked. "What's been going on since we last saw each other?"

"He ran the Boston Marathon!" Mallory snapped. "What the hell do you **think** he's been doing?"

"I meant in the real world," Pam said. "Oh, Mears is closing even more stores."

"Yes Pam," Mallory rolled her eyes. "That's what Sterling **lives** for. News about a store he's never been to in his life!"

"Honestly I am amazed Mears lasted this long," Pam said. "You could walk through that entire store twice and be lucky if you find one employee. And odds are she isn't at the register."

"Nobody cares Pam," Mallory groaned.

Pam went on. "Not that J-Mart is much better. It's worse if you can believe it or not. The ceilings in those stores have more cracks than a dozen broken eggs."

"Your brain is cracked if you think Sterling **cares** about this!" Mallory snapped.

"My cousin Pearl told me that they're closing the J-Mart in my hometown," Pam went on. "Not that it's had anything good in years. Back then you could get a six-piece set of ice tea glasses, some nice dish towels, some Triple A batteries, underwear for Uncle Carl and a couple of dolls for under thirty bucks. Nowadays you'd be lucky to find the batteries. The glasses are cracked. The dish towels and toys are cheap and the underwear they have wouldn't even cover one of Uncle Carl's buttocks."

"Pam, I think you're putting Sterling into an even deeper coma," Mallory snapped. "If that's possible! I know you're putting **me **to sleep."

"You know a lot of members of my family worked at that J-Mart?" Pam told Archer. "My Aunt Chrissy who was in the Layaway department. Before they caught her having sex with the manager. I think she got confused when she heard the name."

"I can see that happening with your relatives," Mallory sighed.

"My cousin Penny also worked in the Layaway department," Pam added. "Until she got fired for smoking on the job and nearly burned half the store down."

Mallory remarked. "With your family it's a wonder that store lasted **this long!"**

Pam went on. "My Uncle Patrick worked in the cafeteria for nine years. He ran the whole thing. Until they decided to shut it down and put in some women's clothes and laid him off. Then he ran through the store with an axe he got from sportswear. Oh, don't worry, nobody got hurt except a couple of mannequins. And one of those blue light things. I wonder if he's out of prison by now?"

"I wonder how much time I would get if I murdered **you**?" Mallory grumbled.

"Uncle Carl worked there for a bit too," Pam said. "Until they caught him stealing underwear. By putting on a pair in the middle of his shift. In the ladies' changing room. He mooned one of my teachers. She whacked him on the head with her purse. That's how they met. Three years later they got married. Right there in the same ladies' changing room where they met. Uncle Carl looked really good in that nice white dress his wife picked out."

"I'm already picking out the dress I could wear to my trial," Mallory grumbled. "If I can get the bloodstains out."

"My cousins Elmyra and Elouise worked there for twenty years," Pam went on. "Both in the women's department. Until they died. Elouise when that giant shelf fell right on top of her. And Elmyra from a heart attack after she pushed it right on top of her. Those two never did get along."

"I could always plead temporary insanity," Mallory paused. "Because I caught it from a permanently insane person."

"Even Edie worked there," Pam went on. "For like a week. Then she got caught stuffing register money and cigarettes in her bra. She almost ended up in reform school over that. I mean she was able to get off on a technicality but she was stuck in the slammer for a week. And she was so grounded by my Mom. Got slapped so hard a palm reader could read Mom's future on Edie's face. Now that I think about it, that was one of my favorite Thanksgivings ever."

"It was self-defense your honor," Mallory groaned. "The woman is a crazy person. You can see that right? You have eyes. And ears…Unless the judge happens to be deaf. Then I'm screwed."

"My parents also made Edie move into the barn," Pam nodded. "Of course, she was also pregnant at the time. That was because of a racial element there. Long story. Long racist story."

"Long racist **stupid** story," Mallory told her. "Which is pretty much nearly **all **your stories!"

"I like Bullseye much better," Pam went on. "Where else can you get a bunch of bananas, a new DVD player and a designer dress all in one place?"

"You're **bananas!** You know that?" Mallory groaned.

"Oh, another thing," Pam said. "You know that Theater Ticket card you bought just before you went into a coma? The card that gives you unlimited access to any movie in any theaters? You said it was a bargain. And bought a 99-year subscription? They just cancelled that. Don't worry. It didn't go to waste. I must have used that card at least thirty times before they shut it down. Thanks for the free movies by the way!"

"Oh, dear God," Mallory groaned. "She just won't shut up. Each sentence more stupid and ridiculous than the next!"

"And it wasn't just me," Pam added. "I got Krieger, Cheryl, Ray, Lana…Even Cyril into some of those movies for free. We'd go at least twice a week. Took little AJ to a couple of kid friendly pictures. She loved those. Cyril really loved going to. He always laughed and had a good time whenever we went. Which is weird because we didn't always go to comedies."

"I hope to God Sterling is hearing this," Mallory remarked. "Why should I be the only one to suffer?"

"You know one of your favorite stores Turtle Neck Town closed?" Pam added. "And the Shirt Shack. And Barney's is closing all their stores. They're in bankruptcy. Shocking I know. So is Kitchen Stuff. I mean they still have stores now but you know that's not going to last long."

"How long is this visit going to last?" Mallory snapped. "It's already lasted **too long!"**

"Just saying you might want to wake up while that gift card the store sent you is still good," Pam went on. "Or Cyril uses it. Like he used your coupons for the Shirt Shack. And all your VIP points for that strip club down the block."

"If that's not motivation for that man to wake up," Mallory groaned. "I don't what is!"

"Cyril is actually doing really well running the agency," Pam added. "I mean most of our clients are online. People who want legal advice or just to look up stuff online that they probably could have but are too dumb to anyway. But still we're making halfway decent money. Especially with the bounty hunting. All of them people who want to kill you by the way."

"Can't blame them," Cheryl walked in, looking completely bored. "Is he **still **in the coma?"

"Yes! He is **still** in the coma you red haired harpy!" Mallory snapped. "Where have you been? Or should I just wait for the fire alarms to go off to find out?"

"Ugh. If only I could burn this place down," Cheryl grumbled as she rummaged through her purse. "But there was that stupid creepy lady working at the gift shop giving me the evil eye. Still didn't stop me from taking this."

She threw something on Archer's bed. Mallory picked it up. "This is a roll of Tums."

"You're **welcome**!" Cheryl said.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this?" Mallory shouted.

"I don't know!" Cheryl snapped. "Maybe put them in his mouth and fill it up with soda so bubbles will come out his nose?"

"Tums don't work like **that **you ding dong," Pam said.

"I might as well take them," Mallory groaned as she put the Tums in her purse. "I'm getting a stomachache just being around you two."

"Ugggghhh," Cheryl pouted. "Why are we **here**? This is _boring!_ I want to go somewhere **fun!"**

"We're here to support Ms. Archer in her time of need!" Pam said. "And Archer."

"Why?" Cheryl asked.

"You're not the only one who's asking that question," Mallory groaned.

"You were once in love with Archer," Pam pointed out. "And it wasn't that long ago!"

"That was like seasons ago!" Cheryl protested. "Honestly that kind of petered out around Season Four. I admit there was a backslide during Seasons 8 and 9 but since technically they were like a Bobby Ewing thing it doesn't count."

"Your life is not a television show!" Pam snapped.

"Well it wouldn't hurt to have a few extra guest stars so I can bone them!" Cheryl snapped. "I don't want to end up like Ms. Archer and have nobody!"

"Nobody wants to **end up** like Ms. Archer!" Pam shouted. "You think she needs a reminder on how her marriage failed and how her son is in a coma and all her fancy friends deserted her? Plus, she's lost most of her money? That her career is in absolute shambles and she was kicked out in disgrace? That she spends all her days here in this dinky hospital room alone and almost forgotten? Regretting her sad, miserable life? But you don't have to **shout it** out at the top of your lungs!"

Mallory glared at Pam with a dark, hateful look. "Thanks **a lot**, Pam."

Pam nodded. "We're here for you Ms. Archer."

"What a **comfort,**" Mallory said sarcastically. "Where the hell is Krieger?"

"I don't know," Cheryl looked around totally bored. "I saw him wandering around and asking somebody where the morgue was…"

"Oh, dear God!" Mallory groaned. "When are you idiots going to learn you can't leave Krieger unsupervised? Especially where there are corpses around!"

"What do you want me to do Ms. Archer?" Pam snapped. "Put a bell on him?"

"I'd rather you put a shock collar on him!" Mallory snapped.

"Hello!" Krieger walked in cheerfully.

"Krieger," Mallory growled. "Give it."

"Give **what?**" Krieger asked. "Didn't Cheryl already give you the Tums?"

"You **know** what I'm talking about!" Mallory snarled as she stood up and held her hand out. "Give whatever it is you stole from the morgue to me!"

"I didn't take anything from the morgue!" Krieger protested. "Swearsies-realisies!"

"That means nothing to me!" Mallory snapped. "I know you took something from somewhere now **give it!**"

"Aw man," Krieger grumbled as he took something out of his coat pocket and handed it to Mallory.

Unfortunately, it turned out to be a white rat. A live white rat. "AAAAHH!" Mallory dropped the mouse. It landed on Archer.

"You stole a **rat?**" Pam snapped as she stood up. Cheryl laughed.

"This is why I can't bring you to pet stores anymore!" Mallory shouted.

"Damn it, Krieger!" Pam snapped. "That thing better not have bubonic plague!"

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.

"I'm pretty sure it doesn't have the plague," Krieger remarked. "I don't remember what disease they were testing it on…"

That's when Mallory saw that the rat was now on Archer's head. "AHHHH!"

"BITE HIM!" Cheryl jumped up and down clapping with glee. "Bite him! Bite his nose off! Nom! Nom! Nom!"

"GOD DAMN IT!" Mallory grabbed her purse and pulled out her gun. "You dirty rat…" She pointed the gun at the rat.

"Ms. Archer no!" Pam called out.

"YES!" Cheryl giggled. "Shoot him! Shoot him! End this stupid coma thing once and for all!"

"God damn it!" Mallory realized she didn't have a clear shot.

"Let him **die!**" Cheryl laughed. "Then the rat can eat him!"

"Shut up!" Pam shouted as she punched Cheryl.

Cheryl fell to the ground. "OW! Thank you…"

Gladys walked into the room. "What the hell is going…?" She then saw the rat on Archer's head. "OH, DEAR SWEET JESUS!"

"Get it off!" Mallory screamed. "GET THAT THING OFF OF MY SON!"

Krieger made an annoyed noise. "Fine! I'll get it!"

"If that thing bites my son, **you'll** get it!" Mallory snapped.

"Come here little guy," Krieger moved forward. "Or girl. Or however else you self-identify. Steady, steady…"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Cheryl screamed. The rat scurried off of Archer's head.

"What the hell did you do that for?" Krieger shouted.

"So, I could scare it," Cheryl grinned as she got up. "Make it run around and harder to catch."

"No, but it will be easier to shoot!" Mallory cocked her gun.

"You are **not** shooting a gun in this hospital!" Gladys shouted. "Even if it is a damn rat!"

"You don't need a gun anyway!" Pam took a large book off of a nearby table. "Just smash it with a book!"

"You can't smash a rat with a book!" Mallory shouted.

"Yes, she **can!"** Gladys snapped.

"I may not have **read** that one yet!" Mallory snapped. "Which one is it?"

Pam looked. "The Great Gatsby and Other Works by F. Scott Fitzgerald."

"Go for it," Mallory remarked. "I never did like that Daisy bitch anyway."

"Where did it go?" Krieger looked around.

"Over there!" Pam pointed.

"KILL IT!" Mallory shouted. They started to chase the rat around the room.

"Don't kill it!" Krieger pleaded as he also chased the rat. At one point he climbed over Archer's bed to try and get it.

"Get it!" Mallory shouted. "Kill that damn thing!"

"What do you think I'm **trying **to do?" Pam shouted. "Read it a bedtime story?"

"Don't kill it!" Krieger shouted. "Think of the scientific experiments I could do with it!"

"KILL IT NOW!" Mallory shouted.

"Oh, it's so dead!" Pam agreed.

"Oh, dear sweet Jesus!" Gladys gasped. "It almost ran over my foot!"

"Oh for…" Cheryl groaned exasperated. "If you want anything done around here…" She managed to grab the rat with one hand. Then opened up a nearby window with the other and threw it out.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Krieger gasped.

"YES!" Gladys took a breath.

"There!" Cheryl snapped. "I threw the stupid rat out the window! Happy?"

"NO!" Krieger screamed. "My new Ratly!" He went to the window. "YOU MURDERER! YOU KILLED…. Oh, wait no, he's fine. He's in in a tree. And now he's climbing down the tree."

"Just what LA needs," Mallory groaned. "Another rat. Wait…Krieger where **exactly **did you get that rat again?"

"Yeah that thing could have some kind of disease!" Pam snapped.

"I touched a **diseased rat**?" Cheryl did a double take. "Ewwww!"

"I'm pretty sure that rat was in the control group," Krieger shrugged. "I think."

"You **think?**" Mallory shouted. "You didn't even bother to see where you stole that rat from?"

"I know it was from the disease department," Krieger waved. "Or whatever it's called."

"Say **what now?"** Gladys did a double take.

Mallory rolled her eyes and put her gun away. "Nice to see that money I spent for you to attend that medical school in Mexico was pesos well spent!"

"You people are **crazy!**" Gladys snapped. "You three get out of here! And you better get rid of that gun if you want to keep visiting your son!"

"Who are you to violate my second amendment rights?" Mallory snapped. "Thanks a lot Pam! I'd have been better off if you lot didn't visit at all!"

"Well if that isn't ingratitude for you!" Pam snapped. "I just wanted to come down here and cheer you up! That's the thanks you get for trying to spread a little sunshine around!"

"That's not what I smell!" Mallory snarled. "Get out of here!"

_"Finally!"_ Cheryl breathed a sigh of relief. "Can we go to a bar **now?"**

"It's only after ten in the morning," Gladys blinked.

"What's your point?" Cheryl blinked.

"Just get out!" Mallory shouted.

"Fine!" Pam huffed. "That's what I get for trying to be nice to you!"

"I'd settle for you to be a bitch to me and ignore me completely!" Mallory shouted.

"No good deed goes unpunished right?" Krieger groaned as they started to leave. "And we gave her Tums and everything!"

"And she wonders why people don't visit her more often," Pam added as they left.

"Well it's not like I **encourage** it!" Mallory shouted after them.

Two doctors walked in. "What's all the racket here?" The bearded one remarked.

"It's nothing Dr. Denton," Gladys sighed. "Just a bunch of fools."

"The biggest bunch of fools ever," Mallory groaned.

"Oh," The second doctor remarked. "We thought something happened."

"Everything is fine Dr. Green," Gladys said.

"By the way," Dr. Denton coughed. "Has anyone seen a rat? It might have escaped our pathology lab. It definitely did **not** have the bubonic plague. We think."

"You **think**?" Gladys gasped. "There was…"

"Definitely **not a rat** in here!" Mallory snapped. "**No rats**! But uh, just curious. You **do **have a vaccine for this plague, don't you?"

"That's what we were working on," Dr. Denton said. "But we do have something."

"Then give it to Sterling," Mallory pointed. "Uh just in case."

"Oh," Dr. Green remarked. "By something we meant to wash your hands and keep clean. But we should get right to work on that."

"You should," Mallory glared at them.

"Okay…Uh toodles," Dr. Denton coughed as they left. "I told you to not leave the lab door unlocked!"

"I forgot all right?" Dr. Green snapped. "It happens!"

"If that rat gets out to the general population, a lot of things are going to happen!" Dr. Denton hissed. They were soon out of earshot.

Mallory sunk into her seat. "And **that's **how the bubonic plague infected LA."

"Oh God," Gladys was stunned. "This is horrible."

"Don't worry," Mallory waved. "If it does break out, they'll probably just blame it on the homeless. With all the garbage on the streets odds are there's already a couple of strains anyway."

"But…" Gladys began.

"Gladys trust me on this," Mallory took out a bottle of scotch and some glasses from a drawer. "No good will come of saying **anything** to anybody. Unless you really want to be a scapegoat. You think if this got out, **those geniuses** will get blamed?"

"No," Gladys groaned. "Mind if I have a shot of that?"

"That's why I brought it out," Mallory poured Gladys a shot. "Well that and to recover from my _nice visit_."

"Are they always this **crazy?"** Gladys asked as Mallory gave her the drink.

"Actually," Mallory paused. "Now that I think about it. This was an example of tolerable behavior. For them." She took a drink with Gladys. "At least they didn't set anything on fire. Or have sex with anyone. Or get anyone killed."

Gladys did a double take. "Ooh! That's the good stuff! You know you can ban certain people from visiting this hospital?"

"If I could I would ban them from **my life!"** Mallory groaned.


End file.
